WASHINGTON, D.C. (SATIRE) — Just hours after Israel successfully deployed bunker-busting bombs against Iran's deeply buried nuclear facilities, President Donald Trump is reportedly considering a similar military strike against Elon Musk's X server infrastructure, which intelligence sources claim is storing encrypted copies of the Jeffrey Epstein files throughout a distributed network of underground data centers.

Multiple White House sources confirm that Trump has grown increasingly concerned that ongoing negotiations under the "Joint Comprehensive Plan to Destroy Elon's Copy of the Epstein Files" (JCPDECEE) are breaking down, leading to discussions about more aggressive options reminiscent of the Iran nuclear negotiations.

"The President keeps saying 'I gave Iran a deadline, I gave North Korea a deadline, now I'm giving Elon a deadline,'" explained one fictional senior administration official who requested anonymity. "He's set Saturday as the final day for Musk to hand over the files, just like he did with Iran's nuclear program. The difference is Elon has buried his servers even deeper than the Iranians buried their centrifuges."

According to leaked Pentagon briefings, Musk has allegedly constructed a sophisticated network of X servers housed in reinforced underground bunkers throughout Nevada, Texas, and Montana, some reportedly buried up to 200 feet below ground level. The servers supposedly contain not only backup copies of all X data but also what sources describe as "Elon's insurance policy" — comprehensive files related to Jeffrey Epstein's associates.

The Joint Comprehensive Plan to Destroy Elon's Copy of the Epstein Files, hastily negotiated after Musk's public accusation that Trump appeared in the files, has reportedly stalled over verification protocols. Trump allegedly wants UN inspectors to have immediate access to all X servers, while Musk is demanding the right to maintain "civilian social media infrastructure" in select facilities.

"It's the Iran nuclear deal all over again," said fictional defense analyst Dr. Patricia Mills. "Trump wants complete transparency and total elimination of the files, while Musk claims he needs some servers for 'peaceful social media purposes.' The trust has completely broken down since Musk went public with the Epstein claims."

Sources indicate that Trump has been consulting with Israeli defense officials who successfully targeted Iran's Natanz facility, seeking advice on penetrating hardened underground facilities. The Pentagon has allegedly identified potential targets including Musk's primary X server farm near Austin, which is reportedly protected by multiple layers of reinforced concrete and electromagnetic shielding.

The proposed operation, codenamed "Truth Thunder," would deploy modified GBU-57 Massive Ordnance Penetrator bombs specifically designed to destroy digital infrastructure while preserving surrounding civilian areas. One fictional military planner described the technical challenges: "Iran's centrifuges were child's play compared to this. Musk has distributed the data across hundreds of locations. We'd need to coordinate simultaneous strikes on at least 47 different server farms."

"Look, I've been very clear with Elon," Trump allegedly told advisors during a Tuesday Oval Office meeting. "Iran got their deadline, now he gets his. Saturday is Saturday. After what Israel just did to those Iranian mountains, Elon knows I'm not bluffing. Those files need to be destroyed, and if he won't do it voluntarily through our beautiful agreement, then we'll do it the Israel way."

Musk has reportedly responded by threatening to move critical X servers to international locations, including a proposed underwater data center in international waters. Tesla stock plummeted an additional 12% yesterday following reports that SpaceX engineers were secretly constructing a satellite-based backup system to preserve the files in orbit.

Democratic congressional leaders have demanded transparency about the JCPDECEE negotiations, with House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries calling for immediate hearings. "The American people deserve to know why their tax dollars might be used to bomb social media servers owned by the world's richest man," Jeffries said in a fictional statement.

Meanwhile, international observers have raised concerns about the precedent of using military force against digital infrastructure. The fictional European Union Ambassador to the United States reportedly warned that "bombing social media servers sets a dangerous precedent for internet freedom worldwide."

"This is bigger than just the Epstein files now," explained one fictional intelligence analyst. "Trump sees this as a test of presidential authority. He successfully negotiated with North Korea, he's currently bombing Iran into submission, and now he wants to prove he can handle Elon Musk the same way. It's become a matter of who's really in charge of America."

The proposed strikes have created unusual bipartisan concerns, with both Republican and Democratic lawmakers questioning the legality of military action against a U.S. citizen's property. However, Trump administration lawyers have allegedly argued that the files constitute a "clear and present danger to national security," similar to foreign nuclear programs.

As of press time, Musk had not responded to Trump's Saturday deadline, though sources report increased security around known X server locations and suspicious activity at several SpaceX facilities. The President is expected to make a final decision on military action following Saturday's deadline, with Pentagon sources confirming that "bunker-buster assets" have been quietly moved to strategic positions across the American West.

At press time, Trump had posted on Truth Social: "Elon must comply with our beautiful JCPDECEE agreement before it's too late. Saturday means Saturday. Iran learned the hard way what happens when you ignore my deadlines. Don't test a man who just watched Israel blow up mountains!"