WASHINGTON, DC (SATIRE) — In what intelligence experts are calling "the most brazen find-and-replace operation in national security history," former President Trump's DOJ appointee Kash Patel has released a bombshell report alleging Chinese interference in the 2020 election, literally minutes after Trump directed him to "discretely distract" the public from Elon Musk's bombshell admission about helping Republicans win the 2024 election.

According to fictional sources with direct knowledge of the operation, Patel simply took the GOP's secret dossier detailing how "Elon" manipulated the "2024" election, opened Microsoft Word, and used the CTRL+F function to replace every instance of "Elon" with "China" and "2024" with "2020." The hastily edited document was then stamped "DECLASSIFIED" and released to the public as definitive proof that China — not Musk — had been responsible for election manipulation, conveniently dating back to the previous election cycle.

"I've declassified the most incredible evidence, maybe ever, that shows exactly how China stole the 2020 election," Trump reportedly told associates while frantically shredding what appeared to be earlier drafts with visible "find and replace" markings. "Very detailed, very sophisticated operation. Nothing to do with Elon. Elon who? I barely know the guy."

Technical experts who reviewed the documents noted several inconsistencies, including multiple instances where "China" appeared in a different font than surrounding text, and several references to "X (formerly Twitter)" despite the platform not being renamed until 2023.

One page reportedly contained the phrase "China's algorithms promoted pro-Biden content," but had visible correction fluid covering what appeared to be "Musk's social media platform." Another section detailing "sophisticated CCP hacking" appeared to have been hastily pasted over a spreadsheet of X user engagement metrics.

Particularly suspicious was a section titled "Operation Beijing Ballot," which contained a footer reading "Tesla Internal Document - CONFIDENTIAL" that had been crossed out with a Sharpie.

"This is the smoking gun we've been waiting for," Patel explained at an impromptu press conference while his laptop screen clearly displayed an open Word document with "Find: Elon, Replace: China" in the search bar. "We've finally proven foreign interference in our elections, which has absolutely nothing to do with anyone's recent social media posts."

When pressed about the timing of the release, Patel defensively held up what appeared to be a ream of computer printouts with "TOP SECRET" stamped in fresh, still-wet red ink. "I've been working on this for years," he insisted while an aide behind him continued feeding documents into a printer labeled "EVIDENCE MAKER 9000."

Meanwhile, Mar-a-Lago staff reported hearing frustrated screams of "JUST USE CTRL+H LIKE I SHOWED YOU!" coming from Trump's office, followed by the sound of a laptop being thrown against a wall.

At press time, Musk had reportedly received a late-night call from Trump, after which he posted, "I meant China wouldn't have won without me fighting them. My algorithms actually detected and stopped Chinese interference. Very cool!"