Former President's Ketamine Addiction Covered Up By Aides

WASHINGTON, DC (SATIRE) — In what political analysts are calling "the most hypocritical political outrage of 2025," Republicans who spent months demanding investigations into Biden aides' alleged coverup of his cancer diagnosis are now scrambling to conceal Elon Musk's extensive ketamine use during his unofficial role as "America's 47.1th President."
According to entirely anonymous sources close to the White House, a team of loyal aides including J.D. Vance, Stephen Miller, and Susie Wiles have worked around the clock to manage Musk's pharmaceutical regimen, which reportedly includes "therapeutic" doses of ketamine, recreational psilocybin, and what one source described as "microdosing Tuesdays."
"Nobody knows executive function better than me" Musk reportedly told a cabinet meeting while wearing a SpaceX hoodie and visibly dilated pupils. "Today, DOGE is going to take a chainsaw to the rotten tree that is our government!"
While Congressional Republicans continue holding hearings on whether Biden's staff concealed his health status, sources claim Trump's inner circle has implemented an elaborate system nicknamed "Operation Shadow POTUS" to manage Musk's unofficial role as de facto president during Trump's first month in office.
"The protocol is simple," explained a White House staffer. "If Musk's pupils are normal-sized, he can make decisions about national infrastructure. If they're dilated, he's limited to social media policy. If he starts talking about 'breaking through the simulation,' we just tell foreign dignitaries he's on a call with Space Force."
Vice President J.D. Vance reportedly carries a special red folder labeled "ACTUAL PRESIDENT STUFF" containing documents Trump has already signed, which aides show to Musk to create the illusion he's making presidential decisions while in altered states.
"It's exactly like what Biden's team allegedly did, except completely different," insisted a Republican congressional leader. "The Dem's used an autopen, but we actually got Elon to sign everything himself! It's innovative leadership."
Stephen Miller, allegedly designated as "Reality Anchor One," is tasked with gently steering Musk away from impromptu press conferences. "I had to physically block him from the briefing room after he tried to announce that Area 51 would be converted into a 'multiplanetary spaceport' and that immigration enforcement would be handled by Neuralink-equipped border drones," Miller reportedly confided.
"This is how we disrupt government," Musk allegedly explained to Chief of Staff Susie Wiles while floating in a sensory deprivation tank installed in the White House basement. "When Biden's team hides his reading glasses, it's elder abuse. When your team helps me conduct national security meetings while on ketamine, it's America First."
Trump himself appears unaware of the arrangement, reportedly telling staff, "Elon's doing a fantastic job as president, just fantastic, people are saying they've never seen a better president, and I've given him complete authorization to be president while I focus on Truth Social and revenge."
At press time, House Republicans had announced plans to investigate whether Biden used Tylenol without disclosing it to the public, while Senate committees prepared legislation defining ketamine as an "essential executive function supplement" when used by Republican-adjacent billionaires.
⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER ⚠️
This article is satirical. None of the events, quotes, or information contained within are real. This is entirely fictional content created for satirical and entertainment purposes only.
No person mentioned in this article has actually said or done any of the things attributed to them. This article is a work of fiction meant to lampoon and comment on current events through satire.