CAMBRIDGE, MA (SATIRE) — Harvard University's admissions office has released a surprising update regarding the self-proclaimed "MAGA Boycott" of the prestigious institution, confirming that despite a dramatic 38% drop in applications, there has been "absolutely no discernible change" in the quality of the incoming Class of 2030.

The boycott, organized by supporters of former President Donald Trump in response to his declared "war on elite education," was intended to cripple the university by withholding applications from what organizers called "the future leaders of real America." However, Harvard's admissions data suggests the protest may have inadvertently improved the school's academic profile.

"We were initially concerned about the application numbers," said Dr. Elizabeth Montgomery, Harvard's fictional Dean of Admissions. "But then we analyzed the data and realized that literally none of the self-identified boycott participants were competitive candidates in our applicant pool anyway. In fact, our average SAT scores are projected to increase by 2 points for the Class of 2030."

The mass boycott, combined with Trump's executive order banning all international students from U.S. universities "to protect American knowledge from foreign spies," has created what admissions officers privately refer to as "the easiest selection process in Harvard history."

Analysis of the boycotted applications revealed that 87% came from students with GPAs below 3.0, including numerous applicants whose personal essays consisted entirely of half-baked economic arguments for tariffs or thinly veiled racism and sexism attacking DEI initiatives.

Perhaps most notably, the boycotted applications included a transfer request from Barron Trump, the former president's youngest son, who reportedly sought admission to Harvard's Department of Computer Science after being wait-listed at Trump University's new Artificial Intelligence and Bitcoin program.

"Mr. Trump's application was... interesting," said Montgomery, carefully choosing her words. "His essay about how 'covfefe' actually represents an advanced computational algorithm was certainly creative, but his transcript from NYU showed he was struggling in basic calculus. I can confirm he would not have been admitted even without the boycott."

The former president responded to the Harvard report with a late-night social media post:

"Harvard is FAILING without the BEST STUDENTS (MAGA supporters) who are now going to TRUMP UNIVERSITY where they learn REAL SKILLS not WOKE GARBAGE! Barron never applied - FAKE NEWS! He's a GENIUS with computers, doesn't need Harvard!"

Conservative commentators have doubled down on the boycott's effectiveness, with Tucker Carlson telling viewers from his new broadcasting studio in Budapest that "Harvard's admission that they've lost 38% of applicants proves the MAGA movement has them terrified."

Meanwhile, Harvard's administration has quietly begun exploring new marketing strategies targeted specifically at MAGA supporters, including a limited-edition crimson "Make Harvard Great Again" hat and a new course titled "The Art of the Deal: How to Succeed Without Actually Succeeding."

At press time, several other elite universities were reportedly considering implementing their own MAGA boycotts to boost their academic profiles.