WASHINGTON, DC (SATIRE) — In what experts are calling "the most transparent judicial fundraising scheme in history," Supreme Court Justices Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito announced today the launch of their cryptocurrency, $JUZTIZ Coin, which reached a market cap of $1 billion within hours of its debut.

The announcement comes just days after the pair found themselves isolated in a 7-2 Supreme Court decision that ruled against the Trump administration's attempts to dismiss charges on grounds of presidential immunity, with all other justices citing clear violations of due process.

"We believe in judicial innovation," Thomas told a crowd of fictional reporters gathered at the steps of the Supreme Court. "For too long, justices have had to rely on undisclosed vacations, unreported gifts, and private yacht trips. With $JUZTIZ Coin, we're bringing total transparency to the judicial compensation ecosystem."

According to the whitepaper released alongside the cryptocurrency, $JUZTIZ Coin operates on a "Proof of Loyalty" consensus mechanism, where coins are minted whenever a justice rules in favor of a coin holder, regardless of legal precedent or constitutional concerns.

Justice Alito, sporting a new diamond-encrusted gavel, explained the motivation behind the project. "Look, everyone knows we're going to rule how we want anyway. This just cuts out the middleman. Now you can directly invest in your preferred judicial outcome."

The coin's smart contract includes special features like "Dissent Mining," where holders earn additional tokens each time the justices write a dissenting opinion that contradicts established legal doctrine.

"It's simple. You buy $JUZTIZ, we rule your way," Alito explained while adjusting his new Rolex watch. "We're calling it 'equality under the law' because everyone has an equal opportunity to purchase influence."

Chief Justice John Roberts, speaking entirely fictitiously, appeared visibly distressed at a separate press conference. "This is not what we meant by judicial independence," he said, while the other six justices nodded in agreement behind him.

When questioned about potential conflicts of interest, Thomas shrugged. "The Constitution doesn't explicitly say 'Supreme Court Justices can't launch a cryptocurrency to monetize their judicial power,' so it's clearly allowed under originalist interpretation."

At press time, the pair were reportedly planning an NFT collection featuring "Landmark Dissents Throughout History" and a subscription service called "Opinion Futures" allowing investors to place advance orders for specific legal interpretations.