NEW YORK, NY (SATIRE) — In what financial analysts are calling "the most chaotic trading strategy since tulip bulbs," Wall Street has introduced a new investment phenomenon known as the MOLE trade: "Musk Obviously Loves Ecstasy," designed specifically to capitalize on the increasingly erratic behavior of Tesla CEO Elon Musk amid his explosive feud with former President Donald Trump.

The unprecedented trading strategy emerged after Tesla stock plummeted 14% yesterday, wiping out approximately $150 billion in market value following Musk's threat to decommission SpaceX's Dragon spacecraft in response to Trump's warning about canceling government contracts. This came just days after the New York Times published allegations of Musk's extensive recreational drug use, including ketamine, ecstasy, and psychedelic mushrooms.

"The MOLE trade is beautiful, absolutely beautiful," explained fictional hedge fund manager Harrison Winthrop while frantically buying and selling Tesla options. "We've moved beyond traditional metrics like P/E ratios or technical analysis. Now we just watch Musk's Twitter—sorry, X—account at 2 AM and place bets based on whether he's posting about anime, calling for Trump's impeachment, or sharing Jeffrey Epstein photos. It's pure chaos and we're all getting rich... or going bankrupt. Nobody knows!"

Major investment banks have reportedly created specialized trading desks solely dedicated to monitoring Musk's drug intake and emotional state. Goldman Sachs has allegedly hired former club promoters to serve as "Musk Mood Analysts," while JP Morgan is said to be using AI to analyze the dilation of Musk's pupils in recent photographs.

The MOLE strategy follows the wildly successful TACO trade (Trump Always Chickens Out), which allowed investors to profit from Trump's pattern of announcing harsh tariffs before inevitably backing down. However, traders claim the MOLE approach is far more volatile.

"With TACO, you at least had a pattern," explained fictional options trader Sophia Rodriguez. "Trump announces tariffs, markets panic, Trump backs down, markets recover. With MOLE, there is no pattern. One minute Musk is supporting Trump with $270 million, the next he's calling for his impeachment. One day he's running the Department of Government Efficiency, the next he's threatening to crash spacecraft into the ocean. It's beautiful chaos."

"I've got my entire portfolio in MOLE derivatives," said one anonymous trader, visibly sleep-deprived and jittery. "Yesterday I lost my kids' college fund when Musk posted that Nazi salute, but this morning I made it all back plus a yacht when he announced he's developing AI-powered drug-detection sensors for the White House bathrooms. Nobody knows what's happening! That's the beauty of it!"

The Securities and Exchange Commission has expressed concern about the MOLE trade, with one fictional spokesperson stating, "We're not even sure if this qualifies as actual investing anymore. It seems more like a very expensive form of gambling based entirely on one man's recreational pharmaceutical choices."

Wall Street analysts are now debating whether to create a combined TACO-MOLE index that would track the correlation between Trump's policy reversals and Musk's drug-induced mood swings, potentially creating what one economist called "the most irrational yet accurate predictor of market movements in financial history."

At press time, Tesla stock had recovered 8% after Musk tweeted a picture of himself with a daily pill organizer containing what appeared to be 20 different medications alongside the caption "Totally sober today! Feeling great about government partnerships! Dragon spacecraft is amazing again! What tariffs?"