WASHINGTON, DC (SATIRE) — A comprehensive new national poll conducted in the wake of Ukraine's stunning destruction of 38% of Russia's nuclear bomber fleet reveals that bearded American men who self-identify as "patriots" are significantly more terrified of World War III than any other demographic group in the United States.

The survey, conducted by the National Institute for Demographic Research (NIDR), asked 10,000 Americans across various demographic groups to rate their level of concern about a potential global conflict following Ukraine's recent drone strike success against Russian military assets. The results show a stark divide along both political and gender lines, with one group standing out for their extreme anxiety.

"What we found was quite remarkable," said Dr. Eleanor Simmons, lead researcher at NIDR. "The demographic that consistently presents itself as the most physically prepared and mentally tough for conflict—specifically, conservative men with facial hair who own multiple firearms and display patriotic symbolism—reported the highest levels of fear about Russia potentially starting World War III."

Demographic Group	Fearful of WWIII (%)	Confident in US Strength (%)	Undecided (%)
Republican Men with Beards	87%	9%	4%
Republican Men (Clean-Shaven)	53%	42%	5%
Republican Women	34%	62%	4%
Independent Men	31%	65%	4%
Independent Women	29%	67%	4%
Democratic Men	21%	76%	3%
Democratic Women	22%	75%	3%
LGBTQ+ (All Political Affiliations)	17%	80%	3%

The study found that an overwhelming 87% of Republican men with beards and self-described "patriot" identities expressed "extreme concern" or "significant fear" about Russia initiating global conflict, compared to just 17% of LGBTQ+ respondents across all political affiliations.

When asked about specific fears, bearded patriots cited concerns about "Russian nuclear superiority," "Putin's strategic genius," and "America's inability to defend itself" despite the United States possessing the world's largest military budget and most advanced defense systems.

"I'd rather die on my knees than fight standing," said Chuck Winslow, a 43-year-old bearded member of the Three Percenters movement from rural Kentucky, inadvertently inverting former President Reagan's famous quote about freedom. "Putin is playing 5D chess while we're playing checkers. If he decides to push the button, we're all done for."

Dr. Simmons noted that this demographic was also the most likely to consume and share unverified information from alternative news sources and social media, particularly content originating from accounts later identified as Russian disinformation operations.

"There appears to be a strong correlation between exposure to foreign influence operations and heightened fear responses," Simmons explained. "These respondents reported spending an average of 4.3 hours daily consuming content from sources that frequently amplify Russian talking points."

In stark contrast, other demographic groups expressed significantly more confidence in American military capabilities and international alliances. Democratic and independent voters across gender lines, along with Republican women, all showed much higher rates of confidence that the United States could effectively deter or counter Russian aggression.

Perhaps most surprising was the confidence level among LGBTQ+ respondents, who reported the highest level of belief in American strength despite being frequently criticized by the "patriot" demographic for perceived weakness or lack of military readiness.

"We've identified what appears to be an inverse relationship between outward displays of toughness and actual psychological resilience to fear messaging," said Dr. Simmons. "The more someone advertises their strength and readiness for conflict, the more susceptible they appear to be to fear-based manipulation."

The poll comes just days after Ukraine's highly successful drone operation destroyed over a third of Russia's strategic bomber fleet in what military analysts are calling "one of the most devastating precision strikes of the 21st century."

At press time, social media monitoring firms were reporting a 600% increase in posts expressing concern about nuclear war from accounts featuring profile pictures of bearded men wearing tactical gear, American flag apparel, or sitting in pickup trucks wearing sunglasses.