WASHINGTON, DC (SATIRE) — In what immigration experts are calling "a bureaucratic mix-up of historic proportions," Trump Senior Advisor for Policy Stephen Miller was accidentally detained by ICE agents yesterday after being mistaken for a Russian illegal alien with suspected ties to organized crime.

The unprecedented incident occurred at a local playground where Miller was reportedly spending the afternoon with his children. D.C. police, who had been pursuing a suspected Russian illegal alien pedophile of similar description to Miller, called in ICE agents who promptly handcuffed the senior advisor for policy despite his vocal protests.

"Do you have any idea who I am? I literally wrote your detention policies!" Miller reportedly shouted as agents placed him in the back of an unmarked van. "This is exactly the system I designed, but it's not supposed to work on me!"

According to sources at the detention facility, confusion mounted as agents attempted to process Miller, who repeatedly demanded to speak with President Trump while insisting his "unnaturally pale complexion and general demeanor of villainy" were not grounds for suspicion.

ICE agent Miguel Rodriguez, speaking on condition of anonymity, admitted the physical resemblance to the actual suspect was "uncanny." "Honestly, the description we had was 'skinny, pale man with receding hairline and a perpetual look of disdain.' Do you know how many people that matches in D.C.?"

"I designed this system to be ruthlessly efficient and completely indifferent to human suffering," Miller allegedly complained to facility staff. "But there's supposed to be a VIP exception protocol. Where's the VIP exception protocol?"

The detention lasted approximately four hours, during which Miller reportedly experienced all the policies he had personally advocated for, including confiscation of personal items, limited phone access, and what Officer Tom Justice described as "the most ironic case of shoe-on-the-other-foot I've ever witnessed."

At one point, Miller reportedly found himself in even deeper trouble when a processing error resulted in him being scheduled for immediate deportation to El Salvador's notorious CECOT prison. Sources claim he was informed he would be transferred within the hour, with no trial and no opportunity to contact the White House or his Supreme Court connections.

Witnesses report that Miller immediately lost control of his bladder, creating what Officer Frank Reynolds described as "a puddle of panic" on the detention center floor. "I've never seen someone go from policy architect to soaked trousers that quickly," said detention officer Maria Sanchez. "He kept stammering about executive privilege while the stain spread down his pants legs."

The error was eventually discovered and corrected, though the damage to both Miller's dignity and his suit pants was already done. "Sometimes the system makes mistakes," ICE Supervisor James Karmic noted. "This just happened to be a very visible demonstration of how he really feels about the deportation system he helped create."

Miller's release was finally secured after former colleagues at the Department of Homeland Security confirmed his identity, though not before he was allegedly made to fill out extensive paperwork proving his citizenship that would help them meet their quota requirements

White House staff expressed mixed reactions about the incident. "It's tragic when the system makes mistakes," aide Chuck Snickers commented while unsuccessfully suppressing a smile. "But as Mr. Miller himself often said, 'sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make a secure border omelette.'"

At press time, the actual Russian suspect had been apprehended at a different playground across town, while Miller was reportedly drafting plans for a new "facial recognition exception system for government officials" with associate Walter Price telling reporters, "He hasn't been this passionate about immigration policy since they stopped separating families at the border."