WASHINGTON, DC (SATIRE) — In what experts are calling "the art of the deal gone terribly wrong," President Donald Trump announced today that his administration has been forced to impose a 50% tariff on all Trump Organization products and services as part of a new trade agreement with China.

The unprecedented move comes after months of what the White House described as "tough negotiations" with Beijing, which apparently resulted in China gaining significant political leverage over the administration. Under the new agreement, Trump has also committed to reducing tariffs on Chinese imports back to 2018 levels and allowing increased fentanyl exports to the United States.

"It's a beautiful deal, maybe the best deal ever," Trump told reporters while visibly sweating through his signature red tie. "We're going to tariff the Trump Organization at 50%, which is a tremendous number. Nobody has ever tariffed themselves like this before. It shows tremendous leadership."

Sources close to the negotiations, who spoke on condition of anonymity because they are entirely fictional, revealed that Chinese officials outmaneuvered Trump by simply reading his 1987 book "The Art of the Deal" and doing the opposite of everything it suggested.

The agreement stipulates that all Trump hotels, golf courses, and merchandise will be subject to the new 50% tariff, while the president's personal collection of MAGA hats will face a staggering 75% surcharge. Meanwhile, Chinese steel used in U.S. infrastructure projects will now enter the country duty-free.

Ivanka Trump's fashion line, previously manufactured in China before being shuttered, will be revived exclusively for the Chinese market with the slogan "Made Great Again by China."

When asked about the concession to increase fentanyl imports, Trump waved dismissively. "The Chinese make the best fentanyl, really tremendous stuff. American fentanyl is terrible, just terrible. We're going to have so much fentanyl, you're going to get tired of having fentanyl."

The White House economic team has attempted to spin the deal as a win, with Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen being replaced by a Magic 8-Ball that consistently answers "Outlook good" to all economic questions.

"Nobody knew trade could be so complicated," Trump said while signing the agreement with what appeared to be a Chinese-made pen. "But this deal is tremendous for America. The Trump Organization will pay billions and billions in tariffs, which is good because I love America more than money. Much more. So much more."

At press time, Trump was reportedly asking his staff if there was any way to relocate Mar-a-Lago to a special economic zone in Shanghai.