PALM BEACH, FL (SATIRE) — In what critics are calling "an unprecedented rewriting of American military honor," former President Donald Trump announced yesterday the formation of the "Veterans of Internal Wars" (VIW), a new organization designed to compete with the longstanding Veterans of Foreign Wars (VFW) and specifically honor those who have "fought on American soil against American threats."

Speaking from Mar-a-Lago's Grand Ballroom, which had been decorated with ICE and Border Patrol insignias alongside tactical riot gear displays, Trump declared it "total bullshit" that America continues to esteem military veterans over what he termed "the true front-line warriors" of Immigration and Customs Enforcement, especially those who participated in the Los Angeles civil unrest suppression operations of June 2025.

"Why do we only care about soldiers who fight in some desert nobody's ever heard of? I want to honor the true American heroes, the ones who fought right here, on our streets, against the most tremendous internal threats. The VFW, I hear they're not doing so well these days. Low energy. The VIW is going to be huge, really huge."

According to fictional sources close to the former president, the VIW plans to offer benefits remarkably similar to those provided by the VFW, including discounted insurance, advocacy services, and a network of meeting halls where members can "reminisce about their most successful deportation operations" while enjoying tax-free beer and liquor sales.

Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, appearing alongside Trump at the announcement, revealed that the VIW's charitable arm would include a "morale division" modeled after Vietnam-era USO shows, but specifically targeting what Trump called "internal conflict zones."

"I personally will be leading a contingent of patriotic American women to boost the spirits of our brave ICE agents as they continue their vital work in contested urban areas," said Noem, wearing what appeared to be a tactically modified stars-and-stripes bikini. "The morale of our internal warriors is just as important as that of soldiers overseas, maybe more important. Much more important, actually."

Critics immediately questioned the equivalence Trump drew between military combat veterans and domestic law enforcement, with one VFW spokesperson fictionally stating that "comparing the trauma of foreign combat to crowd control operations fundamentally misunderstands the nature of military service."

Trump dismissed such criticism, explaining that "our border agents face far worse than any Marine" and suggesting that "bullets from American protesters hurt much more than bullets from foreigners because they're filled with betrayal."

The former president further outlined plans for VIW halls to feature memorabilia from "great internal conflicts," including detention center artifacts and items confiscated from migrants and protesters. Membership would be available to any law enforcement officer who has "engaged in direct suppression activities against American citizens."

"People are saying this is the greatest idea since the Constitution, maybe better than the Constitution," Trump told applauding supporters. "We're giving proper respect to the real heroes, the ones who aren't afraid to arrest families right here in America, not just blow up families in some country nobody cares about."

At press time, Trump was reportedly reviewing applications from several female celebrities and influencers eager to join what Noem described as the "Internal Conflict Morale Squad," while his team drafted plans for the first VIW convention, to be held in a recently cleared protest zone in downtown Los Angeles.