NEW YORK (SATIRE) — In a move that has stunned the financial world, Goldman Sachs announced today that it has hired an actual Oracle, in the ancient Greek tradition, to predict market movements after the firm's sophisticated AI algorithms consistently underperformed against mystical predictions.

The Oracle, who goes by the name Pythia and claims to be a direct spiritual descendant of the famous Oracle of Delphi, has been installed in a specially designed chamber in the basement of the firm's Manhattan headquarters, where she sits atop a tripod over a fissure that supposedly releases prophetic vapors.

"She's better than our algorithms," admitted CEO David Solomon during the announcement. "Our multi-million dollar predictive models said Netflix would tank last quarter. Pythia burned some laurel leaves, went into a trance, and correctly predicted a 23% stock increase. The numbers don't lie."

According to sources familiar with the arrangement, the Oracle's compensation package includes a base salary of $3 million annually, unlimited access to precious metals for divination purposes, and a company-wide mandate that all investment decisions over $50 million must receive her blessing, delivered in the form of cryptic, often rhyming pronouncements.

Since her hiring three months ago in a previously undisclosed pilot program, the Oracle has reportedly generated returns 15% above market average, despite her predictions being delivered in ambiguous phrases that often require interpretation by a team of classics scholars retained by the firm.

"Last month she went into a trance and just kept repeating 'The bird flies south when winter comes to tech,'" explained Goldman's new Chief Prophecy Officer, Jennifer Wilkes. "We interpreted that as 'short Twitter and buy semiconductor stocks,' which turned out to be our most profitable trade of the quarter."

"The whispers of the void speak clearer than the noise of data," intoned Pythia when asked about her methodologies during a rare press appearance, before taking a dramatic pause and adding, "Also, buy agricultural futures before the next full moon."

The firm has reportedly spent $28 million renovating its headquarters to accommodate the Oracle's specific requirements, including the installation of a sacred spring, temperature-controlled laurel storage facilities, and a specially designed workstation that allows her to review financial data while in a prophetic trance.

Not everyone at the company is pleased with the new hire. The firm's AI development team has publicly expressed skepticism, with one anonymous data scientist telling reporters, "Sure, she's outperforming our models now, but has anyone considered that maybe she's just really good at reading The Wall Street Journal?"

Nevertheless, several competing firms are reportedly scrambling to secure their own mystical advisors. Morgan Stanley is said to be in advanced talks with a Tibetan fortune teller, while JPMorgan Chase has allegedly dispatched recruiters to investigate reports of a particularly accurate tarot reader in New Orleans.

The Oracle's employment has also caught the attention of federal regulators. The SEC has opened an informal inquiry to determine whether prophetic visions constitute material non-public information, though Chairman Gary Gensler admitted regulators are "still working through the legal frameworks around supernatural foresight."

At press time, Goldman Sachs stock had risen 7% following the announcement, though trading was temporarily halted after Pythia was seen frantically scattering chicken bones across her desk while shouting something about "the coming tempest in payment processing platforms."